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Big Data Valentine

by Jacalyn Shelley

 
  DEVICES Home Page  |  Contents  |  Authors  ... When I Say Goat Rope | Wordrunner eChapbooks  | March 2016  |  echapbook.com      

 

 

If person #2's liquid assets > fixed assets, then

.60

Calculate Affection Quotient. # of times A in
name #2 / # of times A in name #1.

-.60

Calculate Loyalty Quotient. # of times L in
name #2 / # of times L in name #1.

.70

If person #2 has no children, then

.50

If person #2 has been married twice before!

-.70

If person #2 likes aphrodisiacs & eats asparagus
(retrieve from Shopper Database), then

.20

Bring back #2’s results from NIH Blood Sample
Database. If serotonin >  norepinephrine, then

-.46

If #2 has receptors for oxytocin released during sex / age
(obtain from Social Security Database), then

.12

Take from state DMV Driver License Database photos of #1 & #2.
Cross match. If distance between eyes =, then

.27

Capture from NSA, NYPD, ATM surveillance. Cross match #1’s
father’s physical features with #2’s physical features, if =

.36

Probability of successful relationship = SUM(O18:O26)

.99

 BE MINE!

 

end of story

© 2016, Jacalyn Shelley What I Mean When I Say Goat Rope >>